No Kidding

This list is named after the social group "No Kidding" and is listed here for amusement purposes only. I truly don't dislike children, honest! Like Alice, may our next generation never lose their desire to learn and forever be curious.

Every item on this list came to me first-hand from a parent friend, or from my personal observation of my parent friends. All names have been removed to protect the innocent, and their children. I aplogize for the many shifts in context.

Before we begin, I'd like to state for the record that I also collect items for the "good" list, but I believe I only have around 20 at this time. I'm counting on Sarah and Karrie to help add to that one.

Side note - View my No Kidding Book List.

  • "Misery loves company - That's why people have children."
  • Feet were more sore after a few months raising the baby than during pregnancy.
  • It's a tough market out there for a single mother of young kids.
  • A reenactment of Scarface was a real school play.
  • You have to watch everyone, because they are all out to corrupt.
  • Teenage years tear marriages apart.
  • Have to make coffee at 8:30 PM because of sleepiness.
  • Belated neck injury from pregnancy.
  • People tagging friends to their childrens' gift wish lists on Facebook.
  • He says he never got sick until he had kids.
  • Black permanent markers
  • "Gone were the days of sitting down and eating a well-balanced meal at the table, and in were sandwiches gobbled over the sink in a groggy, sleep-deprived daze."
  • Dirty diaper unknowingly leaving an unsightly mark on carrier's shirt
  • The motherhood penalty - "mommy gap" pay
  • Puke in car keeps mother from workout
  • Empty nest = Nostalgia about free time
  • Receiving a 4-page "Naughty Note" from day care.
  • Allergies can affect the mind.
  • Kids climb into clothes dryers.
  • Cattail torches! Enough said.
  • Your son may scream the lyrics to 'I Kissed A Girl' on an airplane.
  • What are you doing with that hammer?
  • Having a child reduces female life expectancy by 10 years on average.
  • Cost of day care ($202 a week was latest local quote for fulltime newborn - 3 yrs).
  • The 7 year itch - children do not change that.
  • http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule
  • Son, age 38, living at home.
  • Biting is a phase.
  • You say things like, "Easy-peezy lemon squeezy!"
  • Upon leaving, told, "Don't kill your children."
  • Home renovations to make room for new baby requires home equity loan.
  • You have to stop drinking for a year (pregnancy).
  • You find long distance calls on your phone bill, made to older man found on Internet.
  • You have to leave work to pick up your biting child at day care.
  • Projectile vomiting at the P.A.C.
  • Styrofoam can be shredded down to the size of sand.
  • I'm convinced that eventually all parents dig out landscaping perennials and shrubs and give them away.
  • Your children have to live with you to afford college.
  • Let's see, am I going to go to the movies, or send my kid to college?
  • A parent can't say three words before being interrupted.
  • Diarrhea¬†goatee with pizza delivery on the way.
  • Rectal thermometer
  • Marriage becomes partners in survival.
  • Contant public scrutiny of being fit parents.
  • Mortality. They will live longer than you.
  • single:savings::mwk:sieve
  • The world is unfit for my progeny due to incompetence of the human race.
  • Autism and Down's Syndrome can happen with no genetic history.
  • Loans with no interest.
  • No respect until they turn ~25.
  • SELFISHNESS
  • Cost of college vs. retirement.
  • 70% of couples are "less satisfied" with their relationship after the birth of a baby. It can take 3 years for the satisfaction level to return to what it was prior.
  • Strange last minute clothing and school activity requests/needs.
  • Reduced chest size.
  • Stretch marks.
  • Walking into work with a dried Cheerio sticking to your schoulder.
  • Having to change poopy diapers before leaving day care center.
  • Changing work clothes multiple times due to being messy.
  • Children whining.
  • Sleeping on the floors of conference rooms because you're so tired.
  • We're all here because of carelessness.
  • Need a bigger house.
  • Babies turn adults into blathering idiots in public.
  • Being stuck at home unable to leave because of diarrhea diapers.
  • 40 diapers in a weekend.
  • Cost of diapers.
  • Letting children have the good rooms.
  • Having to sit through parades waiting for the Santa float, or wait in lines to see Santa.
  • Screaming in Wal-Mart.
  • Childrearing makes women go insane.
  • Having to buy clothes that fit or else buying clothes that are too big and then the seasons change before they actually grow into them.
  • Carseats.
  • Minivans.
  • 2nd children occur simply due to poor planning.
  • You begin to wear a lot of sweatpants.
  • Quantity of laundry.
  • Your child takes whatever you do and multiply it to extremes.
  • Discussion turns to bowel movements.
  • If you don't know where your kids are, they're doing drugs.
  • Children are liars.
  • Children tell the truth about some things!!
  • No matter what you do your kids are gonna hate you.
  • They spit-up.
  • You begin to wear husband's old work shirts because of the amount of vomit emitted.
  • Whatever goes in, comes out somewhere, sometimes in multiple places.
  • No sex life.
  • Must pay bills in early morning while children are still sleeping.
  • They want you dead.
  • Toilet Paper can be unrolled. It must be put on "backward" to avoid this.
  • Childproofing your home, including TP.
  • Children want pets, and don't want to take care of them.
  • "Teenager" problems.
  • Maternity clothes are expensive.
  • They always want more jeans.
  • They earn nicknames such as "Destroyer".
  • Children carry diseases.
  • Watching "Wizard of Oz" over and over.
  • Green puke.
  • Lies.
  • Tour guide behavior.
  • You can't discuss life insurance policies in the home.
  • The #1 cause of death of pregnant women is murder by father of child.
  • A 15 pound baby was born.
  • They talk back!
  • Repeating requests over and over.
  • Copycatting.
  • Children inspire less-than-favorite family members to contact and visit you.
  • Some people should NOT be passing their genes on!
  • Not having time to get a haircut.
  • The cost of private schools.
  • They put everything in their mouth!
  • They go napless on the days you desperately need one.
  • They never stop eating. You spend all your time preparing their snacks, beverages and meals.
  • You must alter your driving route to avoid McDonald's.
  • Complex child gates.
  • For some reason, when they have a runny nose, the choose your shirt for a Kleenex.
  • When they have strep, you have to cancel all plans.
  • When you take vacation, your kids are still there!
  • 6 months of nausea.
  • 25 pounds of weight gain.
  • They sell harnesses for children.
  • Undesired pets.
  • There are vitamins targeted for children that do not eat fruits and vegetables.
  • You're forced to watch TV you don't want to watch.
  • Possibility of baby born with 3 arms.
  • Kids destroy TVs.
  • God gave us kids so that death doesn't look so bad in the end.
  • Mothers learn to not mind the smell of their child's poop.
  • Peanut butter.
  • Having to discuss how irrational the other parent is being about decisions.
  • You can't be selfish.
  • This http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPrcuNvtNUk becomes prime time tv.
  • Gun-toting kids
  • Crying baby making entire family cry.
  • Your only haven is the bathroom.
  • Exploding snot rockets.
  • Child mucous smeared on clothing.
  • Using the booger-sucker.